update 8-12-10

Her platelet count is decreasing, right now it's about 90,000. They are going to start drawing blood more often to watch it. She has also lost weight again. It doesn't help that A) she won't eat very much and B) she gives half of that to our kids every time. I'm going to have to physically sit and watch her eat every bite. GRrrrr.

I'm in trouble all the time. I do things wrong, I don't do things etc. as well as For stuff that happened years ago. Also I get in trouble for stuff that never happened. she freely recognizes that I didn't do them but she still upset at me just the same. She'll also do stuff and then I get in trouble for that which is beyond me how she always figures how how to make it my fault. The big one though, is doing things wrong. I don't match clothes good enough, I put her radiation lotion on wrong, leave her alone too long when I go to help the kids with something. etc. etc. etc.

If you want to understand what it's like look at it this way. Think about all the little stupid trivial things about your spouse that you wish were different, even the ones you let go of years ago and you don't even notice anymore. I'm talking about all the "Squeeze versus Roll the Tooth paste tube" kind of things. Super stupid stuff that doesn't really matter so you let it go and love them anyway. Now understand that your spouse probably has a list at least as long. Then take away their ability to keep those ideas to themselves. Not only will you hear about each and every one, but so will whoever else she happens to be talking to when she thinks about it. And remember that some of that stuff will be things that bother you about yourself as well but you keep hidden from other people.       

I just have to keep hoping that she will develop those filters again and not destroy my self image too much in the mean time.