My heart breaks. I hate cancer. I HATE cancer. The first time it broke my heart was in 1989 with the passing of my great grandmother. I was seven and I think it was really my first encounter with death that I could understand and remember. Since then an ever mounting list of people I know and care about have battled cancer. Some have lived, more than a few have not. In my mind I go over the list of people, some very very dear to me, who have passed on because this. It's easy to start asking why. The problem is there are no answers to, why. It just is. I like what Chantry had to say on his wife's blog about it:
The question "Why did this have to happen?" or "Why dose it have to be this way?" can be a haunting one. I think it's better to live life with the understanding that part of life is that stuff happens, even tough, hard, frustrating stuff. I prefer to not constantly ask 'why did this have to happen?', but to just move forward with the knowledge that no matter what happens, through the Lord, everything that happens to us, will be consecrated for our good, if we put ourselves in His hands.
I think that Katrina and I put on a good face as we battle this. But in the late hours, when the house is quiet, everyone else is in bed and there is no pressing thing to occupy my mind, I find that the whys and the pain and the fatigue eat me alive. It really feels like I trying to row up stream. I've shouldered what I can and I have to lay the rest at the feet of the Lord. I cannot do this without his help.
Katrina struggled today. I try to keep my worries and fatigue from her but some days it just seems to eek out around the seams, despite my best effort. It hurts her to see me struggle. It makes her worry. I love her and i don't want her to suffer more because of my weakness. Lord grant me strength as we face another week.
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