Giving Thanks

What am I thankful for this thanksgiving?


As we listen to numbers and statistics about rates of survival and likely hood of relapse I am thankful for the time I have had to keep my wife these last few months. I firmly believe that I would have been a single father by now (or very soon) given the exponential way her symptoms were increasing. I am truly thankful to the lord for each day I get to have her here with me.

I am thankful for modern medicine. I enjoy history and sometimes fantasize about what it would have been like to live in a more simple time. A solitary log cabin by a stream in a wind swept valley with a garden and some livestock stirs a desire inside me that is almost painful when I look at the complicated way the world functions today. The problem with this fantasy is that Katrina would have died of  some unknown disease. She would have continued to waste away until her forth ventricle was completely blocked. Then, hydrocephalus would have killed her long before the cancer spread, and we would have had no idea why she had died.

I am thankful for the charity of others. The truly unexpected outpouring of love, prayers, money, and other things has been and amazing blessing to us. I distinctly remember multiple instances where other people have had medical problems and watching as this same outpouring fell on them and their families. I also distinctly remember grumbling privately about how if it was us we wouldn't be treated the same. It was due to a persons popularity, position, etc. that they received the charity that they did. I stand corrected and completely humbled. I realize now that those thoughts and feelings where a sin (envy? jealousy? pride?) and I regret them deeply.  

I am thankful for family and friends who have done everything they can (and probably more) to help us through this. I really don't know what we would have done if not for all the babysitting, meals, visits, love, prayers, etc. that have been provided to us.

I am thankful that Katrina has recovered as well has she has and I pray that she continues to do so. I really feel like my love for her is the strongest that it has ever been. This trial has been like the fire, hammer and anvil of the forge that tempered our relationship and increased its strength.

I am thankful for this trial. I feels odd to say that and given the choice I'd probably still chose avoid all we have been through and still have to face. The problem with that is the blessings, lessons, and strength we have received far surpass the trials. Our priorities as husband and wife, parents, and human beings have changed drastically in a way that only something like this could have done. 

Most of all I am thankful for a loving farther in heaven whom I know has carried me through this; who has given me strength that I never could have found on my own.

Back to it.

Well, tommorrow Katrina and I start to get back into a work routine. I have seen the way she seems to be handling getting prepared and I must say that I have been impressed by how well together she seems to be about it. Maybe I just didn't have enough faith in her, maybe I just anticipate the worst too often. I think that as long as it doesn't wear her out she'll do great.

I'm more worried about my own job now. It has been nearly, if not, five months since I've been to work regularly. I'm worried about getting back into the swing of things. I guess it is just one more step in this whole process that I'm not anxious about.

It has been such a long journey, and sometimes it seems like It has been years rather than months. I know I feel that I have aged years rather than months and I don't feel like I'm even the same person as I was. This I know, I love my wife my love for her is the strongest it ever gas been. I love my children they have been a bright spot, a lighthouse in the dark and tumultuous sea at times. The time we spent away from them gas been hard. I am eternally thankful for all the love prayers and gifts we have received.I know that without the love and support of our heavenly father I would have long since collapsed under this burden.

Thank you all for what you have done for us. It's hard to tell at this point if we are leaving the woods behind or just entering a clearing before plunging back into the dark and vine strewn pathways of the forest. either way it is nice to enjoy a little bit of sunlight for a while. 

Sunday

Our little boy turned two today. Happy birthday little man.

So where are we? We went to church briefly today. Which was nice, just because it felt normal. Katrina did okay with it.We got lots of well wishes from people, which we appreciate. They also announced a fundraiser that My mother-in-laws neighbor is putting on for us next Saturday.

I don't know what all it is going to entail but over the last couple of days I've gotten the idea that it is going to be quite the to-do. I have a hard time with it. Will we need the financial help? the bills have already started to come in and I don't know how we could handle them without other peoples kindness. But my pride gets in the way. I want to stand on my own two feet. I want us to "earn our bread by the sweat of our brows." At the same time you hear of medical bills and related expenses breaking people. It's a quandary I wrestle with daily. I feel awkward and embarrassed, although truly grateful, when someone slips us some money. I mean, some money that a neighbor gave us was what made it possible to buy groceries this month.  I also worry when I start thanking people, I know that I'll forget somebody, I also know that I don't even know the beginning of what people have done for us. So please If I fail to thank any of you please now that is isn't from lack of gratitude. It's more like from being overwhelmed by human kindness. I also worry that some people don't want to be thanked or named publicly. 

Sometimes, as I watch the news, or I see the way people treat each other in public I really question human kindness. It seems like we spend more time trying to kill each other than we do trying to care for one another. I get very jaded by the human condition and look at the world very cynically. I have had my eyes opened this last month or so to how many people really do care about other people. Thank you, thank you to everyone who has done anything to try to help us, from the smallest prayer to bigger acts of service. I truly do appreciate it. I know that there is no way we would have made it even this far if it hadn't been for many other people.