Guilty

I've been feeling guilty lately about not posting. I'm not even sure there is very much interest in the blog anymore.

Life has been crazy for us these past few months. Lots of family drama and other trials. We've had lots of close family in and out of the hospital for one reason or another and Three Divorces. Top all that off with the fact that I've gone back to work and school.

College is going great for me. I'm about three weeks ahead of schedule in my courses. I just passed LUT 1 today! Work has been fun too. I'd forgotten how much more fun it was to be a staff member than director.

Katrina is doing pretty good too. I know that her rehab doctor's are pleased with her progress. It's not all peaches and cream but she has come a long way. Especially given that all she could do right after surgery was drool on herself and cry weakly. It wasn't pretty and thankfully it seems like a distant nightmare now. She has her total cerebral spinal MRI this week and then a follow up with the Chemo Doc to discuss it. I hope our blessings hold out and it comes back clean. We've been fortunate that her scans have been coming back clean so far, although her white count has never really recovered from the radiation.

Thank you to those of you who continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Friday Update 6-3-11

We haven't gotten official notice on Katrina's Disability Insurance yet, but they told her when she called the other day that they were just calculating her pay which we are hoping means that she was approved.

Katrina told the Rehab specialist today that she feels like she is thinking better. Our Rehab lady has really tried to push Katrina to think about how she thinks so she can improve.

We also followed up with the rehab doctor at the hospital this week and he still feels like given time she can make an almost full recovery and even return to teaching.

I guess that these things are a change from the pure bad news we seem to have been wading through the last few months. But it gets hard sometimes, when you can see any light ahead and you have no choice but to continue to trudge head long into the darkness. Never knowing what pit you might stumble into at any moment.

I pray for guidance about what I should do job wise. I pray to know what to do about a great many things as far as our future is concerend and invariably I get the same answer. "Patience, watch and wait."

That's hard for me. I see a problem and I want to rush in and fix it, but I can't. There is nothing I can do, and to won't do any good to go off complaining about the journey the Lord is taking us on. I've got to trust in him, but it gets hard sometimes.

This time of night

I hate this time of night. Mostly because of what happens. You see, this is the time when every thing falls away.I feel like an actor who suddenly finds himself alone on an empty stage in a dark and empty theater. The craziness of the production is over and he is very much alone and lost.

All the things that keep me rushing all day are over. The thing that was keeping my mind busy after everyone else is asleep is done and the loudness of the silence in our home seems oppressive in contrast to the madness of the day.

I find myself sitting face to face across the room from my worries and fears.They have waited patiently all day and before I rest they insist on reminding me who they are and what they represent. Tomorrow or the next day or the day after will I suddenly find myself facing the world alone? The truth is I don't remember how. Will our finances continue to work out like they have, or will next month be a mess. Are the kids doing okay. Am I doing the things I should to help them through. Is Katrina doing okay. She struggles with this emotionally a little more each day. Am I doing enough to help her.

They each wait their turn and say "hi I'm worry # 32 and I'm still here."

That's why I hate this time of night. My defenses falter and I find my weakness exposed. Alone in the empty theater before I lay myself down for a handful of hours sleep.